Posts Tagged ‘self-conscious’

My first entry: Chiron

February 17, 2010

New Moon Conjunct Chiron: Feeling Self-Conscious

A pimple. Such a small thing. I usually do not let such a small thing bother me. But the last new moon in Aquarius was conjunct Chiron and Neptune and lucky me, it fell conjunct my 6th house sun. Suddenly I’m feeling self-conscious all over again.

A day or two after the new moon I noticed a pimple. I could feel it. Small, hard, angry and a little painful. On the cusp of my upper lip, right in the middle. I pulled a tiny little mirror out of my purse and examined it to see how it looked and it was so tiny it was barely visible. Yet it felt like a gigantic disfigurement on my face and just about took over my consciousness for two whole days.

I have natal Chiron in Aries and Aries rules the head and face so I begin to make the connection to the new moon conjunct Chiron on my sun. I have also heard that such blemishes are related to Venus-Pluto and the day this pimple formed was the day of the transiting Venus-Pluto square, both in aspect to my natal first house Pluto which has had Saturn sitting on it for quite some time now. Can I really relate all of these transits to one pimple? It fits, and that’s without even mentioning Jupiter and Mars flirting at or near the same degree at Saturn, Pluto, Venus.

But this is about Chiron, and about how when Chiron is active in a chart a person can really feel self-conscious and wounded. I got to thinking about this because I felt like my reaction to this tiny pimple that other people could probably not even notice was quite over the top. And I was reminded of something that happened to me a long, long time ago. Another small thing, yet apparently also a wound still in need of healing. One that also involved my Aries Chiron.

When I was a young girl I was involved in judo. I remember once, near the end of my involvement with that martial art, a small exchange, yet it has stuck with me all these years. I was at a tournament with my sensei and the other students from my dojo. I had just been beaten badly. My face was red and swollen, damaged either by the mat or by my opponent. I approached my sensei in shame for having lost. I was stuck at my belt level and needed so many tournament wins to advance but there was only one other woman in my bracket and she beat me every time, being twice my age and likely also twice my weight. I was discouraged and smarting from the loss. My sensei looked at me and said:

“Does your face hurt?”
I nodded yes, it did hurt. I would have bruises from the fight.
“It hurts me, too!” My sensei burst out laughing as did several other people nearby.

I do not know how many kids have been victims of that poor joke but it really hurt my feelings that day. I was probably 11 at the time, maybe 10, maybe 12. Chiron is the mentor, the teacher, the guide. Yet he is capable of inflicting deep wounds. My also judo sensei wounded me in other ways I will not go into here, but they also fit the Aries-Chiron archetype. My martial arts instructor: Chiron in Aries.

A deep memory sparked from a pimple. New moon conjunct Chiron. A time to pray for healing of old wounds, but first you must remember them.

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